Tuesday [28 Feb 2006|12:27pm] Shit has been going seemingly well for the past month or so, I still am depressed most of the time. That hasn't really changed in the least. mabe gotten a little worse thats about all. I am supposed to be starting school in a couple months, work has been going well. I might be starting a job at the alano club this week or next. I guess that would be cool. I could use the extra money. and working with manda would be cool too. especially considering I pretty much work there already whenever she does. I guess I'm over the whole being alone thing. for now that is. though I am bye no means feeling any better. Had a pretty interesting experience with Amanda. we actually kissed. hahaha it was kinda cool. We were both fucked up and horny. lol. I am really glad though that it didn't go any furthur then that. because it would likely have destroyed our relationship. if anything were ever to go on between us (It won't) I wouldn't want it to be because she was fucked up. I would want it to be because she actually wanted me. But we're friends and that is good enough for me. I need her, she is the only person I can tell anything and not have to feel ashamed. I need someone I can vent twards. and she is great for that. She is my best friend. Have been going to the gym again, That has been nice. It feels good to actually be doing something for my health. and suprisingly the fact that I smoke more now then ever has not seemed to effect my performance at all. I am looking forward to the summer. the warmth is always good and skateboarding will be great again. I need to see a fucking therepist, or get on some anti depressents or something, I am starting to get worried about myself.......... post comment

Life [16 Jan 2006|11:50pm] Everythings been going alright for the past month or so, I havn't been letting myself get too down about it. Dropped out of school and now I'm trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with myself; Go back to school? Join the military? Find a better job? those three things pretty much cover my options for the long term.. Going back to school is a good idea... I'm sure I could handle it just fine, but there are several drawbacks: Going to school I would for the most part be trapped in my current job, there are so few jobs that pay half decent that will work around my school schedule... If i'm trapped in this job. I will most likly not be able to afford living on my own. there is alot of after school work associated with college of course, Stresses of balancing work, school, friends, and most importantly time alone. and all this shit will equal alot of stress. I'm pretty confident I could handle it but....who's to say for sure Military? well there are alot of things that make that an appealing option for me, I wouldn't have to rely on myself so much to get bye, everythings provided. I could gain a great deal of dissaplin, alot of experience. and an overall better outlook for life. not to mention that they would help pay for the sum $4,500 dollars I owe to ITT, there would of course be alot of stress involved in that as well. having to take orders, mabe not knowing if I am going to make it out of a situation alive. shitty food, shitty pay, haveing to adept to living in unknown enviroments with unknown people.. and i'm sure many things I can't even imagine. Simply getting another job....Well that seems the most grim of them all. Possible benefits? If I could find a good job that is willing to train a 19 year old kid and give him a decent salary. I would need to be making atleast $10.00 an hour and get lots of hours. there would have to be oportunity for advancment, benifits; insurance atleast. Drawbacks? i'm not sure if I could name them all. Stress involved with finding this job, Entering with no experience and Having to learn a new skill with people getting irritated with you. New people of course. wouldn't be too bad though, Biggest would just be finding the job.. and doing well with it. having to worry about the job not working out and not being able to pay bill i.e. ITT tech. or houseing, depending on circumstances. I Dunno, There are other, possibly more sevear problems to consider as well that could effect all of these options. ME. I don't like to admit it but I really don't think emotionally I am mature. or mabe I just have mental problems ,I have serious problems with depression that could possible hamper any one of these things. I have alot of issues I need worked out. but I don't know how to talk about them. seeing somebody wouldn't help. or atleast the last dude didn't. I can't even describe my problems. Their so deep routed that I don't think they could be helped......... post comment

Saturday [16 Jan 2006|07:18pm] I woke up, sat around for awhile, ate and showered. I then called ryan and told him I was about to head over.. we had planed going to the auto show a couple days prior ..I got dressed and headed over to his house. he showed me what he had been working on on the guitar and even sung and played a song that he had written when he was "bummed" out when I wouldn't hang out with him.. the song was actually pretty good. kids got some talent for sure. after that we went to the auto show at southtown expo center. I let him drive the caddie cause he just got his license back two days ago and hadn't yet driven a car (his needs some work still)so we went to the auto show. the place was packed as hell (as expected) so we had to park like a mile away from the place.. (wasn't really that far but...)smoked a prime time on the way into the place and talked.. still feels alittle wierd to me that I'm hanging out with him... almost uncomfortable. we went in, checked out some cars, took alot of pictures. seen some badass cars. I was dissappointed though that so few exotic car companies were there. (got to go to detroit) took pictures of eachother in cars, me in my GTO, WRX, and STS. haha. it was cool. we were there for mabe and hour - hour and a half then we left. stopped ate some taco bell, bought some cigars and went back to his place. this was about 6:00 i think. we sat around there jammed on the guitar for a few and then decided to get some beer.. of course the first person to call is shannon (travies mom)we headed over there and got some beer. asked if they cared if we drank there and they said they were fine with it. as long as there were no more people...and No Samone... she has a thing with causing drama.. everything was cool I drank only a few beers cause I wanted to drive to amanda's work and say hi... but ryan and travie were sluggin em down lol..we played some halo and talked.. (had been awhile since the three of us had chilled together, without one of the girls) around 9:00 I went to manda's work, cappie was there and so was john for that matter. I was alittle disappointed cause I thought she wouldn't want to come and talk with me alone. but I said hello she got me a drink and then we got our own table and talked. it was good. we havn't been chilling as much.. I was kinda trying to distance myself alittle cause I didn't want her to get tired of me. we talked about whatever for about half hour or so. I kinda wanted to hear about what happened with skid. and then I said bye, we hugged and I headed back to travies to pick up where I left off. when I got there ryan and travie were kinda really drunk, lol. being dumn ass's. travis running full speed into ryan's closed fist.. ah man these guys are some funny fuckers. I grbbed a beer and downed it as fast as I could and grabbed another. we took a bunch of drunk ass pictures (though I never caught up with them)it was fun and everything was going good. then travis (for who knows what reason) called samone and had her come over.. she showed up and thats when shit hit the fan. they started fighting, travis went out back cause he was all pissed off. and then samone came out and ryan started talking shit then she stated talking shit and everyone was yellin. and me well I just stood there and watched - quite amused I must admit. we had planned on going and playing pool before she came over and so travis was out of course. and we took his mom with us instead. got out of there before people start throwing fists. gave them time to cool off. we went and played pool. I did shitty as usual. managed to get in the 8 ball and scratch off break. that was a good laugh.. we played for about 1/2 hour and then our buddy jason showed up. we went back to travis's him and samone were aparently good again.... we drank the last three beers and decided to go to fat cats to play some more pool and with luck some woman. or so ryans big idea was. we got there and pool was closed so jason and ryan played air hockey and I played video games.. it was pretty lame. no hot girls of course cause by this time it was alread almost 1:00am. ryan and jason got the bright idea to get some more beer and go to jason's house.. but it was almost time to quit selling beer (1:00am) and we weren't going to make it back in to travies in time to get some. on our way out however we ran into this guy who who was obviously drunk as shit. asked us how we were doing and jason said. shitty - we need beer and it's almost time to quit selling it and we're not 21. the guy (whos name was nate as I later found out) responded, I'll buy you guys beer if you want. we all said uh, ok. and the guy told us to follow him to the 7-11. we did he bought the beer, the worker was harrassing him about it, knowing it was probably for us. but sold it to him anyways. we went to a parking lot down the street and exchanged money for beer. I stayed in my car and ryan got out and talked to him. he got back in and said. "man, this dude nate says we can go to his house and drink if we want. summerwood apartments"..hell it was right bye my house .. sounded good to me. so we followed him to his apartment, got out and nates fighting with some drunk girl he's with, she breaks his phone...bla bla bla fuck you fuck him fuck this who the fuck are these guys... she finally got her keys and left. we went up to his apartment. i'm feeling alittle strange about the situation. but go anyways. we walk inside and the place is bare. a beat up couch and and an old radio thats it.. ok well .. we start drinking some beer, and talk. all of us are standing.. this dude is a fucking weirdass fake as fuck too.. but he's funny and entertaining listening to his stories.. we drink some more. a couple buddie's of his show up.. they looked familure but who knows. they talk about some party in kearns.. right bye my work. it's like almost 2:00am and I just want to go home, plus my wierd feeling about the situation is more a bad feeling bye this time.. but I go with ryans opinion and go to the party. we get there walk in.. these kids are even more fucking weird. bunch of punks and shit the place is trashy as fuck (as you might expect from punks)but seems ok. drink a beer talking to some wierd fuckes who don't actually seem that weird when your talking to them.. and all the sudden "EVERYBODY WHO'S UNDERAGE GET THE FUCK DOWNSTAIRS" uht oh, I go down stairs thinking the wholl time, this was a bad idea. we go into a room, thats in the far back. kids crammed in there, stepping on people cause I can't see - lights are off. everone's freaking out making a bunch of noise telling other people to be quit makeing noise, making more noise doing so. and I'm thinking with a smile on my face. tonight is going to be my first time in jail. so I take a seat on the floor where I find and opening. and listen. you can hear the cops radios inside the building (I was kinda wondering what dumbass let the cops in)everyone is quiet now, with a few exceptions ( I swear these kids want to be busted!)I was just thinking of something smartass to say to the cops when they open up the door and find us.... but finally after about a half hour a kid comes down and says the cops left..... Much to my suprise these morons start cheering all loud as fuck. they all skatter back into the basment. the older people outside decided no one was leaving till everyone sobered up.. I thought HA. when in 4 hours.. I met with ryan and jason who were still sitting in the room where everyone had been hinding. there were also two other people in there. a guy and a girl. we were wondering how to get out. the window would open but only a little.. I said well lets breaks the fucking thing and get the hell out of here. we did, and everyone got out. the two kids first, smallest and his girl, then me, biggest, and then ryan and jason. ryan smacked his nose on the way out and was bleeding a little. everyone els was just alittle scrached up. we all ran to our cars, ryan with me. and we left. one our way out there were 3 cops sitting at a gas station talking and another one rolling into the neighborhood as we were sitting at the light. (right next to my work as a matter of fact) It seemed to me they were preparing to raid the house and arrest everone. who knows if thats what actually happened but we made it out. got some betos and made it back to my home..FREE We made it out, me missing jailtime and ryan as well. good stuff. it was alittle after 3:00am went to sleep, ready for another day. post comment

I'm bored damn it [03 Jan 2006|01:15am] Happiness, What exactly is that word supposed to mean? what is the purpose of such a word, to describe a state in witch you feel a ceratin way? No that’s not what the word means, at least not to me. to me it describes a way I’m supposed to feel and if I don't feel that way then there is somehow something wrong with me... Depression ...Mabe Happiness isn't real, there are a lot of ways one would describe being happy but for most people it is different. Being happy: life, love, satisfaction. these things make up a lot of what being happy is, and money sometimes plays a large roll in this, if you have money you can "have more fun". course that’s not always the case. If you don't have these things, mabe your life is a little dull, mabe you don't feel like your fulfilling your life, you get depressed, sad, down, whatever. and then what pills? therapy? I don't think Either of those things are what you need. I think also a lot of these problems with being down are caused not because you are doing anything wrong but because your trying to live up to standards of everyone els, TV, Radio, News, Whatever. The style, the money, the trends. and what is this shit anyways? Garbage! it is nothing more. trying to be like everyone els is what’s killing America in so many ways. "you cant be fat" "take the pill" "be cool like him" "have a car like that" And all of this amounts to the ever growing suicide rate. 200,000 people showed up to hospitals last year in the US for suicide attempts ages 10-24. It's no surprise so many people are feeling to shitty in this world we live in. and there is so little being done about it. and what do most young men and woman turn? drugs, alcohol, sex. and these things turn to more problems. and then they in the end feel even worse and end up nowhere. more often then not it seems; Dead. I think that people should try not to focus on such meaningless things, especially tying to be like someone els, I know it's kinda wired into our brains but it has to be put to an end. Something should be done about television to focus on things other than big boobs and nice cars. I believe in religion not because I necessarily have any belief but because of the moral fiber it provides people with. the thought of great things afterwards. it gives people reason to care what they do in their daily lives. A reason to go on. and I think that is another thing that is killing our society, a rising hatred for religion. and I can understand some of it. Look at the fucking Middle east! people killing innocent people in the name of their god. but If you can get past the radicals here and there can you not see what a necessity religion is? without if people won't have a reason to care. And I think also that if there was more openness to religion people would be less depressed all the time. and this country could be a lot better than it is. Anyways, Just random thoughts. Nowhere els to get rid of them. Warren post comment

[01 Jan 2006|01:24am] It's the new years and I'm fucking bored. really fucking bored. I want to find somthing to do but I really don't want to be around a bunch of people it would be nice to get kinda drunk I would enjoy it very much but shit. here I am. It really hsn't been the greatest day and I've been kinda down. I want to hang out with someone right now but I'm lazy and shit. what would I do with anybody right now anyways. Fuck. shit. I actually got a raise at work thursday and then I got this four day weekend to enjoy but naturally I am not doing so. just being lame. thats how i've been the last few months. lame. I really don't care though. I just want to make it through life right now. thats my goal. Make it through. if I can do that I think everything els will be fine. Ryan keeps calling me and I kinda want to answer but I don't. Just being lame thats what I want. Not too lame though. I have decent people to hang out with so i'm ok. I'm here right now and I'm not going anywhere not anytime soon. FUCK. School. next week. this is going to be a really bad week. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I don't know what to do. haha how many people do. I'm going to need to be carfull this week to not let myself get too down. FuckShitDamn. I need to get fucked up. I'm out. post comment

Do do doo [27 Dec 2005|12:40pm] [ mood | worried ] Yeah, I had a really good christmas. I always enjoy the hollidays and this one was no different. I got to see my sisters two kids who are growing up really fast. I love them, their great. I got a digital camera, and some clothes, both of wich I really wanted. I hung out with manda at her work alot of the time. been spending alot of time with her latly. I like her alot. I got her mom and her gift certificates, they were happy about that. ryan texted me and I didn't text back. I can't talk to him, I don't want to. he is just not someone I can be hanging out with anymore. I am getting over being depressed and have been doing really well. manda has helped me alot with that. It's nice beeing with someone who understands me and knows what it's like. there really aren't any other people I could say that about. I can't talk to any of my guy freinds about things like that because they have no idea. their not like me in the least. I'm actually supprised when I think about it that I made freinds with any of them. because we're so different. I dunno. I guess when you smoke weed that kind of brings different people together. and they got to know me and everthing. I've only really been hanging out with travis and manda. their really my only freinds, I mean I chill with other people but they are at my center for sure. It doesn't bother me that I have so few good friends. I never needed many. just a couple and i'm happy. The last few days I've been feeling kind of down and everthing. I can't really put my finger on a specific reason, just one of those weeks I suppose. I kinda feel alone in some ways, I have people I can talk to and everything but I need more then that. I need to have a girl to love me, to be with, and not just sex. I need a girl I can hold, sleep next to. whisper in my ear how she loves me. I guess what it all boiles down to is a need to feel loved. because I don't. and mabe even if I had someone like that I still wouldn't feel any better. I'm not sure. but thats really what I want. I'M ALONE and really there's nothing I can do about it. it's not as if I'm just going to meet some magical girl. I've been on several dates and met some cool girls but. I've never really met one liked, except a small few and their the ones who don't like me.... funny. mabe I'm attracted to the wrong kind of girls. I dunno. school has been really shitty. I badly want to just drop out and I would without hesitation except my parents would be pissed, especially my dad. I don't want that but school is adding to my worries, and it will get much worse. I feel a great deal of pressure and I don't know if I can take much more. I'm a pussy.... and everyone will be dissapointed but school isn't for me. it never was. I just thought I would give it a try and see if I liked college better. but I don't at all. I was hopeing there would be no stings attached but everyone in my family has such high expectations. even everyone at work. fuckem though. I'm an adult. mabe somewhat immature about my life but one none the less and I will make my own decisions. I need to get my shit together. I'm strongly considering joining the military. mainly because I need some organization in my life. some disipline. I have very little of either right now. we'll see how things are going in the next year. I'm not rushing anything. 1 comment|post comment

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